I actually wrote this in Feb. of 2008 - but today, I’m re-living and learning it.
I honestly believe the hardest thing in this world to do is to forgive someone. Obviously not the kid who accidentally wet his pants, or even intentionally wet his pants, but the people who we hold to a higher standard than what they live out in reality. It’s not so hard to forgive them because they proved us wrong, or because they did something stupid. I think the reason it’s so hard is because we put hope in them. Hope that the world is good, that people are good, hope that proves we can make it in this world and we can lean on them. Then when they let us down hard, we lose hope. We forget they are human. We want answers. I have so many questions, “Why”, “What were you thinking”, “How could you do this to me, to everyone”, “How could you use me like that”, the list could go on for as long as I’m alive. But finally I hit rock bottom. By losing my hope I’m poisoning myself, even though I was not at fault, I am at fault now. I only have myself to blame for holding a human being on a platform that they could not stand on.
I think sometimes it’s so much easier to find our strength and our hope in people because they are tangible and they can make us feel like we have everything we need. When the reality soaks in that people will fail you, and that’s where you have put all your hope and trust, it leaves you empty. Which I guess is the answer to where we should put our hope, our trust, and our hearts.
It makes me wonder, does God want things like this to happen because he is pushing all these people to lean on him COMPLETELY and not just half-heartedly? I mean, let’s be honest, who is leaning on him completely? I think we buy into this lie that we can trust people and we can rely on people, but we really can’t at all. I’m not saying that we should never trust anyone, and we should just shut everyone out of our lives, but at the end of the day, everyone in your life that you will ever love WILL at some point hurt you, some of them a lot worse than others.
I honestly feel like God finally slapped me in the face and he was screaming at me “Lean on ME. Trust ME. Love ME. I am perfect. I will not let you down. I will be there for you. I am your example. Not THEM. ME. I will be there for you when no one else is. As much as they want to love you, as much as they want to be there for you, as much as they want to protect you, they cannot. I can. Let ME.” I feel like I have been sleeping for such a long time, and I just finally woke up realizing that I have made too many other things and people my Gods, my idols.
Now I’m faced with the reality of this extremely broken world. That’s a VERY hard concept to understand. It hurts. It doesn’t seem fair, it doesn’t seem right, it’s not right. There are people left very VERY scarred, there are people that will forever be affected, there are people that will never trust again, there are people that have no idea, and the hardest part for me are the people that need to be forgiven.
So I leave with this truth: We are human: which sometimes means we are very stupid. We are loved: and we don’t deserve it at all, but we are loved and we are loved equally. We are forgiven: and whether we ever really truly understand that we are called to forgive.
Today I choose to keep no record of wrongs. I will be patient. I will fight for this no matter how hard it gets and no matter how much of it I understand. I owe my life to Him, and that’s what I am going to try and give everyday.